Where do I start?

"Better a house with dry bread and peace than a house with feasting and strife. Proverbs 17:1"

This is our family's verse. It is our mantra, if you will. I suppose I shall start from the beginning. But that is difficult to define. What is the beginning? My wedding day? The day I had my first baby? The day I decided that I no longer want to work because being home with my babies was more important than making $32,000/year? Actually, it wasn't even that after taxes.

Or was it the day that something in me snapped when I was tired of trying to keep up with the Jones' and killing ourselves just to make the rent payment. Yes, RENT. You see, in short, we sold our home and our comfy cracker-box lifestyle to pursue an adventure. A great opportunity was presented to us. But it required a major step of faith, a healthy dose of humility, and for us to put all of our eggs into one basket. We purchased a business to guide upland bird and water fowl hunting in Saskatchewan. And it had been the hardest almost two years of my life. But the possibilities were too much to pass up! Our path was in sight! Almost.

I always thought that the next chapter of our lives would be better than the last. Isn't that the American dream? To prosper quickly  in order to achieve the same standard of living that our parents are enjoying in their pre- retirement years? Only now, that goal is to achieve this by the time we are thirty. And boy does it hurt when you see friends your age glide so gracefully into that lifestyle. And you feel slightly comforted when friends your age share the same struggles that you have.

I love the movie Cheaper by the Dozen.
I realize that this is not reality; but to me, it is. In the opening sequence of the film Bonnie Hunt's voice explains that twelve was the number of times per year they empty their bank account. How many of you can relate to that? I know I can. The warm fuzzies that I get from the movie is that sometimes life is happier when it's simple. This family found that with the higher-paying job came more stress and lack of quality time. Sure, they had the big house with clean walls and new furniture. A bigger bank account. But it wasn't worth the added stress on the family.

This is where I found myself. The big new job promised a big income with a bigger house. And I hated it. Keeping up with appearances was enough to drive me insane. I'm speaking of the cleaning. I will post more on that, later. But with husband working 50+ hours per week I was Parent Numero Uno and I'm not speaking of an achievement. By the end of the day I would look around the house where our children ages six, four and two play and I simply could not muster the energy to pick up. To clean that one last dish. To mate one more pair of socks. To vacuum the yellow lab hair that carpeted the wood floors. The millions of toys that my kids drug out because I'm working; distracted by cleaning and organizing our massive amount of crap. Stuff. I meant stuff. Or picking up the box of Lego's only to have the two-year-old dump it out again.

 Defeat. I felt defeated. I felt that I was failing because I couldn't live up to the standard of those that I look up to. However, my kids weren't suffering because the mirror had water splatters on it or because the base boards were dusty. They were suffering because I wasn't with them emotionally. This is not the mom I planned to be. I'm a free spirit who prioritizes fun and activity before monotonous house work. But every where I turned I was not confirmed in my outlook.

Another breaking point: finances. Running your own business means paying yourselves beans while you take care of upfront costs and business-y bills that don't stop coming. And then rent. Nothing like throwing money away every month than renting. I can understand the short-term need, but long-term doesn't go without repercussions. I felt like we were just spinning our wheels.

Until, one day, when we were visiting with some friends of ours that had recently celebrated being 100% debt-free. They sold their home and bought a 900 square foot trailer. They pared down their lives. The peace on my friend's face was wonderful. She didn't have to worry about job insecurity. She wasn't bothered by worldly possessions or appearances. They lived simply and were happier for it. I made a decision. I was done with all of it. That night I told Kyle to start looking for a trailer. My pride be damned! We had always loved the idea of tiny houses or full-time rv-ing. I'm not sure, really, how we came to the final decision but a month later and a twenty minute phone-call to the bank and we were pre-approved to buy a camper. TO LIVE IN. Full-time. My mother was not impressed. But all of our friends were rooting us on! I so badly wanted out of this rental house. I wanted to not be surrounded by clutter and mess and constant cleaning. I wanted to stop struggling just to pay someone else's mortgage!

I didn't want to stand before God at the end of my life and say, "I know I didn't pay much attention to my kids, but hey, I was a wicked-awesome house-keeper!" This isn't for forever.  I often have to hold Kyle back when it comes to adventure and simple living. If it were up to him we would be living off of the land and raising our own food. I'm not that hard-core!

Eventually, I will want the house, the yard, the responsibility. But for right now, I don't want it. I want to be different, and what better time to do that than right now when our kids are little and love the adventure?

Well, thanks for reading this ridiculously long post that contains undeveloped thoughts and maybe doesn't make sense. Right now I'm just abiding.